What would you do if you thought your friend was in an abusive relationship? Most of the time, violence takes place when the couple is alone. You might not see dramatic warning signs like black eyes and broken bones, so how can you tell for sure? For one thing, listen to your instincts. You probably wouldn't be worried without good reason.
Here are signs to look for that might mean your friend is in trouble and needs help.
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WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST LEAVE?
A guy doesn't usually start hitting his girlfriend out of the blue- it generally starts after a history of verbal and emotional abuse; cutting her down, telling her she's fat or ugly, chipping away at her sense of self-worth. Typically by the time the physcial violence begins, her self-esteem is seriously damaged. When she doesn't value herself, it is more likely that she'll accept and put up with the physical abuse. Once her self-esteem has been broken down, it can be even harder for her to leave the relationship.WHY DOES HE DO IT?
It's not easy being a guy these days. Society puts all kinds of pressure on boys, right from the day they're born. They are bombarded with messages from popular culture and sometimes from their families about how they should behave and what it means to be a man; real men don't cry; real men take charge; they must be tough, strong, breadwinners, know how to fight, never openly show affection for another male, play sports even when they are hurt... on and on and on. Some boys learn that being a real man means dominating or controlling their partner.WHY DOESN'T SHE LEAVE?
There are lots of other reasons why it can be difficult to get out of a violent relationship.
Usually, violence isn’t constant but comes in cycles, with a “honeymoon” period after the violent episode when the batterer says that he’s sorry and that it will never happen again.
The victim might really love the guy – she probably just wants the violence to end, not the whole relationship. She may also think that she can change him.
And we all know what peer pressure feels like. What your friends think of us really does matter, and we want to feel accepted. Girls can gain a lot of social status for being in a relationship – and letting that go can be hard to do. Couples often share the same friends, and if they break up and let people know what’s going on, what are their friends going to do? Choose one over the other? What if they don’t believe her? What if they choose him? Boys who are violent in private can appear to be calm and caring in public.
There’s still a lot of shame in this society around admitting you have been abused. It takes a lot of courage to end any relationship. If there’s violence involved, it can take a whole lot more.
WHY DOES HE DO IT?
Sometimes guys don’t learn how to express or manage their emotions, they only know how to be happy or angry.
They certainly know it’s not okay to feel sad, needy, or powerless. Sometimes in relationships with girls, boys act out their feelings of insecurity or confusion with aggression. This lets them regain or maintain their power and control in the relationship. And sometimes, it’s not about emotions at all, it’s about being dominant.
BAD MESSAGES
“You’ve got to be tough to keep the girl. Men need to be strong and have money. Men have power over women. Men are supposed to be the dominant sex.”
“He’s so strong! She’s hot… why haven’t you had sex with her yet? A real man doesn’t get pushed around by a girl.”
Just because a violent relationship is over, doesn't mean the risk of violence is over. Here are some recommendations to stay safe and maintain peace of mind:
STICK WITH A BUDDY AT PARTIES YOU THINK YOUR EX MIGHT ATTEND.
TALK WITH YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH SO THEY CAN SUPPORT YOU AND LOOK OUT FOR YOU.
IF YOU CAN, TELL YOUR PARENTS WHAT'S GOING ON, ESPECIALLY IF YOUR EX MIGHT COME BY YOUR HOME.
AVOID ISOLATED AREAS AT SCHOOL AND LOCAL HANGOUTS, AND DON'T WALK HOME ALONE.
TALK TO YOUR SCHOOL COUNSELOR. TOGETHER YOU MIGHT ALERT SECURITY, ADJUST YOUR CLASS SCHEDULE OR COME UP WITH OTHER WAYS TO MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE.
NEARLY 1 IN 3 TEENS
WHO HAVE BEEN IN RELATIONSHIPS HAVE EXPERIENCED THE MOST SERIOUS FORMS OF DATING VIOLENCE AND ABUSE INCLUDING SEXUAL ABUSE, PHYSICAL ABUSE, OR THREATS OF PHYSICAL HARM TO A PARTNER OR SELF.
MORE THAN 1 IN 3 TEENS
REPORT THAT THEIR PARTNERS WANTED TO KNOW WHERE THEY WERE AND WHO THEY WERE WITH ALL THE TIME.
ALMOST HALF OF TEENS
HAVE PERSONALLY BEEN VICTIMIZED BY CONTROLLING BEHAVIORS.
ONLY HALF OF ALL TWEENS
(AGES 11-14) CLAIM TO KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS OF A BAD/HURTFUL RELATIONSHIP.
25% OF TEENS REPORT HAVING
A COURSE ON DATING ABUSE IN SCHOOL.
ONLY HALF OF ALL TWEENS
(AGES 11-14) CLAIM TO KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS OF A BAD/HURTFUL RELATIONSHIP.
2 IN 5 TWEENS
(AGES 11-14) IN RELATIONSHIPS KNOW FRIENDS WHO HAVE BEEN VERBALLY ABUSED -CALLED NAMES, PUT DOWN, OR INSULTED - VIA CELL PHONE, IM, SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES (LIKE MYSPACE AND FACEBOOK), ETC.